This Floating Excrement Was Far Too Symbolic! It's the Television Disappointments of the Year.
Looking back, we consider the television offerings of the past year, a handful of shows stand out not for their brilliance, but for their notable shortcomings. Ranging from awkward sequels to confusingly bad docuseries, here are the programmes that left us utterly bewildered or just reaching for the remote.
The 'Sex and the City' Sequel
How to start with this divisive spin-off? Burdened with dreadful writing, cringe-inducing arcs (justice for Miranda!), and a paltry 71 seconds of beloved Samantha, the show fought to find its footing. Briefly, as the third season started, it looked like it had finally found its groove. Then arrived an installment all about Seema’s natural deodorant. No wonder the creator announced this would be the final season. It ended on a bum note; the lingering shot of Miranda’s toilet flooded with poo was just way too symbolic. Yet, viewers undeniably had a hoot picking apart every single “wtf?” moment. And as Carrie – a single woman once more – danced around her sprawling townhouse to Barry White, who couldn't release a little sob?
The Kim Kardashian Drama
‘Can Kim Kardashian act? Of course she can’t.’
But that was practically the least of this drama's problems. The subject of a very rare no-star review, it was hard to know where to start listing the problems. The hilariously wooden writing? The tedious veneration of affluence and materialism? The seemingly wilful parade of cliches? Performances so bad they felt almost spiteful? Suffice it to say “each and every one” and forget about this show again. However, a new season has been ordered, so we’re probably going to have to.
The Charlie Sheen Documentary
Given the restraining orders, abuse claims and parental shortcomings, it’s reasonable to say Charlie Sheen has been a bad boy. Not that you’d truly have known it from this three-part documentary which smirked its way at Sheen’s various episodes of self-destructive excess while struggling to tell us anything we weren't already aware of. Rather, it felt as if this loose cannon was being pandered to, so any pity this show might evoke should be reserved for the people who have had to endure proximity with this charismatic but flippant narcissist.
The Iris Affair
Of course we knew it was ridiculous from the outset: a thriller about a AI known as Charlie Big Potatoes that could either save the world – or annihilate all of humanity. We persevered out of pure admiration for its stars … but by the end, it felt like even they had given up trying. One scarcely reacted when his character died, and the other ultimately hacking Charlie with an axe … in super slow-motion. That's what you call giving up the ghost.
MobLand
Dodgy figures convening in empty boxing gyms? The Prodigy’s Firestarter jackhammering away in club scenes? The late 90s called and wants its crime drama back.
In truth, that is unfair on the crime shows of the late 90s. Many seem a bit dated now, but at least they didn’t suffer the ignominy of having to indulge unconvincing accents. But there were plenty of other problems. Primarily that it was just profoundly dull; a dispute over drug-selling territory between various London picaresques which seemed rather simplistic.
The Meghan Markle Series
Given the extent to which she provokes the ire of certain ostentatiously angry commentators, it’s almost easy to applaud the Duchess of Sussex’s televised forays into twee homemaking as intentional statements. But then you watch them and are compelled to admit that actually, they might have a point. It’s like watching a homeware catalogue come to life; a meme for wine o’clock with delusions of grandeur; a procession of sleeping dogs, humming beehives, Hallmark sayings and pointless crafting “tips” you’ll forget instantly. All supported by vast, mostly undeserved wealth. Ugh.
Victoria Beckham
There are clearly interesting things to be discussed about both Victoria Beckham and her struggles with career, self-image, self-worth. But for whatever reason, this three-part series opted not to say them. Rather, the viewing was akin to reading a sales brochure. She clearly has good reason to bridle at what she describes as her “miserable cow” image. But unfortunately, she failed to do herself any helps with this cagey letdown of a series.
The Game Show
It had the potential to be the next cultural phenomenon – except even camper, with a famous star playing dead and a sharp-tongued personality overseeing her estate. What more could you ask for? As players competed, there was plenty of betrayal and arguing. But the rules quickly became bewildering: it’s even now too confusing to detail what precisely was happening. Even more regrettably, we only saw brief appearances of the star via prerecorded videos. The series ended up reeking of a programme that was straining desperately to emulate something way beyond it.
Too Much
How does one succeed a show that defined a generation? The expectation was immense for this glitzy romcom about Jessica, a rosy-eyed New Yorker who arrives in London with a shattered romance. The lead actress seized the opportunity by the horns and was a delight to watch, reveling in Austen levels of romantic ideals. But it was all very slick and, paradoxically, was insufficient. Plus, the abundance of famous cameos involved felt uncomfortable.
Mitchell & Webb Are Not Helping
Not good enough to be ‘uneven’.
Given the smart inclusion of talented emerging comics, expectations were high. But sadly, most of it didn’t land. A particular sketch was a one-note joke stretched to a husk but recurring in every episode. One star seemed too ready to slip into a well-known ranting mode. The behind-the-scenes sketches, in contrast, simply inspired the thought that they should probably have remained in there a bit longer.
The Knox Dramatisation
This retelling of the story of Amanda Knox was executive produced by Amanda Knox and pretty much solely showcased the viewpoint of Amanda Knox. So, while there probably is an interesting drama to be made about the tragic 2007 murder, this isn’t it. The subject matter needed to be handled with care. Rather, the series laboured awkwardly to find the right voice, lurching from oddly breezy, somewhat stylised farce to ultimately, real-life horror. Twisted? Arguably. A complete mess? Absolutely.
Prime Target
We love the star … but did we believe him playing the greatest maths genius since, a man so smart he’s on the verge of a discovery that could ruin society? No! This globe-trotting thriller about secret services targeting – and eliminating – intellectuals honestly got more absurd by the second. Formulaic nonsense.
1000 Men and Me: The Bonnie Blue Story
This hagiography followed the online personality notorious for explicit exploits as she prepared for her most extreme feat yet. What on earth would possess her? What we wanted was way more interrogation of her actual psychology, plus those of the men in the queue. They could at least have interviewed the legendary mum who showed up to drag her son away from the queue. What we got was horrific imagery and zero interrogation of her infamy whatsoever. And to think, the documentary-maker has a young daughter too.